Let’s get straight to the point here. I have been thinking a lot about restrictive things. Things that hold me back, things that I’m afraid of, which by some sort of logic leads me to believe that writing about them is probably the best way of exorcising the demons. Weather this is relevant or not doesn’t really matter because, this is what I want to write about today and that makes it relevant (this is my blog and I’ll do what I want).

I am a firm believer in the categorical organization of fears. Everyone should know their top 3 (and you can’t pick things that everyone is probably scared of because those are already implied, i.e.: death, failure, birthing a child, being alone forever, diseases that eat flesh and brain matter, biting into an apple with worms in it, and so forth. You are more intuitive and creative than that. Don’t sell yourself short, I am sure you probably have a lot of interesting things to be afraid of.) These fears should be listed from 3-1, with #3 being the least frightful of the bunch up to #1, the things you only see in your worst nightmares. The list also must be just things and not situations, meaning that any of the things on your list, in ANY situation, would be almost unbearably horrifying to you. (I feel like everyone probably knows this already, but this is just a polite reiteration for those of you who might have been living in a world of cotton candy happiness where it’s not common practice to list your top three fears).

I am also a firm believer that if you are honest with yourself and choose correctly, your list will never change. My list has stayed the same for…. well as long as I have had the list. Never made an edit.

#3: Guns

This fear is a bit ignorance based and a bit experience based (and I want you all to know, for the record, that I have been scared of guns long before it was cool to be scared of guns. This is not a political thing, although you could have probably guessed my political opinion on this subject already.) I am scared of guns the way I am scared of Japanese cartoon porn. I can’t wrap my head around either of them. I can’t understand how something so small can give someone so much power and at the same time be so destructive. They change people the way too much money changes people. They give people the distorted idea that if they have one in their hand, they can take whatever they like. Scary shit.

#2: Creepy Old Men

The worst kind of old men are the creepy kind. You know, the ones with that you can tell are probably a little molestery. They often wear hats to attempt to cover up that rapey look in their eye. Everything about them gives you the sensation that you wish you were back in your childhood bed completely covered by the magical comforter that protects you from all of the evil in the world (I know you know what I’m talking about).

#1: Sharks

These feral creatures serve absolutely no purpose in the world except to make the ocean a terrible place. They pass their days probably doing nothing else but being stupid and scary. Seriously, NOTHING needs that many teeth in its mouth. They are horrifying and they will eat you for fun (they also eat seals, and seals are basically just awesome blubbery life-loving water puppies, so if you don’t hate sharks, it ultimately means that you hate puppies. You don’t hate puppies do you? I didn’t think so.) Another thing that makes these animals the complete WORST is that there is this surge of media and people trying to convince the rest of us that sharks are these graceful and majestic beings that should be appreciated for their immense beauty. These people are liars. They are trying to prove how alternative and liberal they are by “loving” gigantic ocean-dwelling razor-toothed creatures that the devil himself probably created. These are the same people who pretended to be lesbians in college because they thought it would make them cooler. It doesn’t. It makes them traitors to humanity.

Now that you have seen the correct way to make a list of your fears, I suggest you exorcise some demons of your own. No  matter what things make up your list, acknowledging them is important (I mean, it definitely wont make said fears conquerable. I will be a slave to the anxiety I have from sharks until the day I die), but it is a step in the right direction. A small victory. I am beginning to appreciate more and more the small victories of each day. Along with all of the other mantras I am finding by writing these posts, today I am adding the appreciation of tiny victories. Cynicism has kind of always been my thing (even though most of the time I play it off as a humorous side of me so that I’m not completely awful to be around). I like being a bit cynical because it also keeps me rational about my fears. It keeps me grounded, but it has also caused a lot of downplaying.

I have been downplaying my fears and achievements my entire life. Our fears are obviously and painfully real, the but tiny victories will surmount and outweigh them, but only if you are truly open to acknowledging all of them. This newborn baby blog is an achievement. Each time I write a post, a gun spontaneously combusts, a creepy old man croaks and a baby shark is eaten by a whale…probably.